I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
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Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean