I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
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The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.