Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

I’m putting together a team

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”