I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.