I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
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Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.