I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Planet of the Apps.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
The first one, obviously
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit