Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
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I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Modded the new Gran Turismo
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.