PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
The photographer’s assistant
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?