If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
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Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET