(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
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Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Wednesday
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
stop
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.