I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
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Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
There is wisdom there.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.