I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
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[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house