I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
IT’S-A ME,
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Not my job 😂
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time