Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
You Might Also Like
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask đź‘ŹFor đź‘ŹHelp đź‘Ź
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.