My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
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It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Leaving the Barbers like
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.