[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
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For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle