Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
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Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Every work call, he judges.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
You sure about that?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
What
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭