I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
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I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.