@The_MartiniGirl: I would love my job so much more if I didn't have to hide my flask.
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@IRLPepperMD: [911 call] IM GETTING EATEN- *pause* Ok one sec. *holds phone away from mouth* Are you an alligator or a crocodile? *pause* Cool. ITS A CRO-
@sofarrsogud: ME: This is false advertising. I've been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely. COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
@polksalad: Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.