@The_MartiniGirl: I would love my job so much more if I didn't have to hide my flask.
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@hippieswordfish: 'babe, i'm ready' -says my wife, from the bedroom 'be right there' -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string
@tinatbh: Me: Wanna see pics of my dog? Person: No Me: Great! This is him playing. This is him sleeping. This is him being the CUTEST DOG EVER.
@elle91: I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
@philco816: *hands stranger a condom S: I don't need this Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak