I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
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Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.