I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
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Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
peak technology
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
fourth time’s the charm