I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
What is going on? 😅
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“