I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
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Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.