I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
You Might Also Like
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Dietest Coke
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”