I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
You Might Also Like
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
cry laughing at this shit
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
my name if I was in the mob
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Denise please return my vape pen
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys