I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
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I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
dads on road-trips be like
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.