I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
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literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!