I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Thursday Thought.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol