I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
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beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Breakfast for Stoners:
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Why soy sad?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Quadruple digit IQ
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?