I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…