I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
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Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps