What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
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The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation