I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
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[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*