I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
You Might Also Like
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.