I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
You Might Also Like
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Just how popey was the pope today?
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
dutch is not a serious language
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.