I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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Introverted vegans go meetless
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
This classic never gets old . . .
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”