The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
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[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays