@RidiculousSheri: I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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@capricecrane: What they say: "Wow, you're really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
@shanethevein: The doctor asked if I was sexual active. I shook my head and said "Not in front of the wife".
@Prof_Hinkley: I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
@kcmoore51: 13: I have a friend that doesn't like baseball, chocolate, or bacon. Me: Pretty sure that's not a friend, bro.