I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?