I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Me to fly that won鈥檛 leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 馃憖
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
an octopus is just a wet spider
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
He鈥檚 making a list, he鈥檚 checking it twice, he鈥檚 leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Doctors texting each other.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You鈥檙e heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
it鈥檚 not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather