You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
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Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1