I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
A fake ID that makes you younger
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.