I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
You Might Also Like
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
im 7 sauces long
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt