I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas