I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor