i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
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1.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-