i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
You Might Also Like
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.