I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
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I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.