@abhorrent_wife: I would totally get into a stranger's windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.
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@RobElliottComic: Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo... Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain
@INDlAN_: HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you. ME: Ok well... I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end HER: wtf?
@KKAlThani: Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or sunflowers?
@ewfeez: Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, "you're not my real hen!" and run away