My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
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My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I need to update my racial profile.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?