I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
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Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.