I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”